Conflicting Dreams. . .Or So It Seems

If you had known me 6 years ago, you would know that I had one dream.  Those who did know me then can testify that my greatest desire was to marry, settle into a house in my parents back yard, send my children to the same high school I attended and live a comfortable, "normal" life surrounded by the few people I knew and loved.  As a teenager, I was the least likely of my friends to move out of the area; the least likely to travel across the ocean. I was the least courageous, the least out going and probably the most insecure.

I remember one of the first small group bible studies I attended as a freshman at SUNY Brockport.  That night, we were asked to share our dreams with one another.  I wouldn't have participated had I not been forced, but as we were each taking our turn around the circle, I decided I may as well at least be honest with these "strangers".  When I finished sharing, they prayed.  From my perspective, I wasn't asking much from the Lord.  All I needed was for Him to provide a man, the rest was already figured out. . .or so I thought.  If there's one thing I've learned about the human condition it is this - "We do not know what we should pray for as we ought" (Romans 8:26).  Fortunately we have a heavenly Father who "Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. . .He makes intercession for the saints ACCORDING TO THE WILL OF GOD" (Romans 8:26, 27).  I remember the words I heard that night, but I wonder what He heard.  I imagine it went something a little like this,  "Father, may she see how great, how pure, how perfect Your love is for her.  Raise her up in Your tender mercies, strengthen her by Your might, prepare her heart for the things You want to share with her.  Pour Yourself out upon her until all she knows and all she desires is You."

As I waited impatiently for my prayer to be heard, my Lord waited patiently for His prayer to resonate in my heart.  He protected me as I entered into a relationship with a man almost 6 years older than me.  Looking back, I shamefully admit that my only reason for moving in that direction was because he was the first man to pay any attention to me.  My life was far more important to my Father than it was to me at that time because had the relationship been abusive in any way, given my great insecurities, my life would have been over.  I never would have entered into His fullness; I would never have learned His purpose for my life.  But His hand of protection is forever upon me.  And when the relationship ended, He lovingly guided me through what was certainly the darkest season of my life.  My friends expressed their amazement at how well, how maturely I was handling everything.  But to be honest, I was lost in the darkness.  I wondered if it was truly the Lord I was serving or if I was a demon in disguise.  At first, I fought to see light again, but as the months dragged on, I lost hope and stopped fighting.  But the Lord Jesus does not give up and I have since learned that others were fighting for my life through prayer even as I did nothing.

Like most people who have endured the darkness, I vowed to God that I would never be grateful for it.  For years, the choice to pursue that relationship was my one regret; it was the one thing I would do over again if I could because in choosing it, my life spiraled out of my control.  BUT GOD.  Isn't that the testimony of all our lives?  We are sinners, we were lost, we were destined for hell. . .BUT GOD!  God sent His Son to take my iniquities upon His shoulders and die for them.  God reached down His hand and pursued my heart.  God was, is and will continue to be in relentless pursuit of my life - until He has it all.

Daily, I am grateful to be on the other side of that wilderness season but forever I praise the Lord of heaven and earth for leading me through it.  Because it was then that He stripped me of myself and filled me with Himself;  it was then that He began to reveal His unconditional, never-ending love for me; it was then that He birthed in me passions that match His own.  For the call on my life is clear.  I will never again live in Pembroke, NY as a permanent resident;  for the rest of my life, most of the conversations I have with my parents and siblings will be done over the phone instead of face-to-face;  I am going to miss out on the experiences and lives of the people I love most.  I won't buy a house next door to my best friend; we won't raise our children together; I'll be the face that's missing at family gatherings and I may never get to hold my future nieces and nephews.  And that hurts to think about.  So much so that I'm tempted to run home every time I do.  But my spirit knows that I will never be fulfilled if I don't live out what He has called me to.  The Lord my God gave me His one and only Son.  The least I can do is surrender my life.

The little girl who once trembled so severely as she shared her essays to the class that the paper in her hands shook has now also stood in front of a church full of people in a country not her own with much less fear.  And He's not finished we me yet.  He turned my world right-side-up.  Those dreams that were once so precious to me seem hardly important anymore.  Don't get me wrong, they're not gone.  It's like when I hear my sister share about her adventures in searching for a house with her husband.  As she explains to me every detail from the three-car garage, to the hot tub, to the cupboard where she hopes to keep the cleaning supplies, I can't help but picture myself looking at houses with my "husband".  Or when the young woman walks into the restaurant with her 6-week old baby girl.  There is a yearning in my heart to someday have my own precious miracle wrapped in my arms.

I recognize that both dreams are of the Lord - but how can it be?  In my limited vision, I can't see how He could possibly work it out.  So I meditate upon these verses - "He [Abraham] did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully aware that what He had promised He was also able to perform.  And therefore 'it was accounted to him for righteousness.'" (Romans 4:20-22)  He has promised me two dreams confirmed in my spirit and through prophecy.  He is able to carry those out and He will.  And the story will be a million times more beautiful than one I could ever dream of writing.